One Month...

June 23rd/2014

Dearest One,

You are one month old already! Mashallah! You weigh 8 pounds, 6 oz. You are 58 centimeters long. You are a lot more aware of your surroundings. You are getting a lot better at holding your head and neck steady. You are still my bossom pal, but you are also getting around 250ml of formula. I am too nervous about you not getting enough from me. I am still nervous with you, and it is somewhat difficult for me not to be. I love you with all my heart.

We bought your baba a set of books he grew up reading, for Father's Day. I hope you have an amazing experience reading them together. You are very lucky to have him in your life. He loves you passionately, wakes up with you, feeds you and gets the "evil" cleaned up for you. I hope you understand how lucky you are to have him in your life. Him, and your Jiddo. They might seem different, but they are the same. They are strong men. Not physically, although they are, but they are strong of character, values and morals. Learn from them. Let Mohammed PBUH, your baba and your Jiddo be your role models. Inshallah you will get to spend a long time getting to know them and learning from them. Your tete is very smitten with you, my handsome lad. She got to see you in the flesh on the 20th of June. We are trying to spend a lot with her. And that does not seem enough. If she can have you attached to her 24 hours a day,  that would not be enough.

Mama will go and sleep for a bit, until the next feeding. I hope you can tell how much in love with you I am.

Love you habibi,
Mama

A Love Letter... to Jude

May 30th, 2014

Dearest One,

Today marks a special day for me. It was a week ago today that you came into my life. You have always been in my life, I realize that now. I have missed you. I have felt your presence and longed to see, feel, hear and have you with me.

We were blessed to find out you will be with us, God willing, on the Thanksgiving long weekend of 2013. When I found out, it was a mixture of excitement, anticipation, nervousness, and sadness. I know the last one might seem strange. I felt that you were a blessing from God that I didn't deserve, that I was not worthy of. I still feel that way sometimes. But I am learning to give myself a fair chance at deserving you.

After that memorable Thanksgiving weekend, I spent the next few months in total anticipation, with all the nerves, happiness and excitement that came with it. I tried my hardest to prepare for your arrival , but never realized that it is impossible to prepare for you. When you showed up, you completely and utterly changed my life. You brought with you the sense of duty I have been missing and itching for, a duty I felt I needed to fulfill towards humanity and towards God. You also brought complete and total change. I am still trying to get a grip on things. Nothing is the same , and I am not sure I want it to be the same as it was. Without you, a piece of my heart would be gone, and without that piece I don't know how I would live.

You are so amazing, that I am having a hard time using words to describe it. You are still a mystery to me. I don't know what you are thinking, and I can not wait to find out. When you look up into my eyes, I really hope you see the love in my eyes. I hope that you can tell just how in love with you I am. I don't know if you like what you have been brought into. I hope you do. I don't know what you are feeling, and I would love to know that too. I hope that it is a sense of calm and serenity. I hope that you can feel the love I have for you. That special love that can only exist between you and I. You truly are a blessing and that is confirmed by how amazing you have been since we finally got to meet. It has not been easy. There were a lot of ups and downs. I hope that the difficulties are behind you once and for all, and that it will be smooth sailing from now on, God willing.

Please know that I am trying my hardest to become the person who deserves you. Know that everything that I do now and will do in the future is the best I can do. Know that it is out of love, no matter who unreasonable it might seem to you later on. I will always love you no matter what happens. You will always be my prince and you will always own my heart. I will always be there for you and will support you in what is right in whatever way possible. I love you my darling, for the sake of God and for you.


Yours forever and always,
Mama